9

 

Walking into the family funeral home again felt like deja vu to Jon.  The last couple of times that he walked through the doors was to say goodbye to his children.  "Can I see her?" he asks his cousin that greeted him.

"Of course.  Right this way."  His cousin leads him to the parlor in which Beth lays.  There is up lighting behind her and she is surrounded by flowers that were sent from all over the world from family, friends, family friends and fans that were lucky enough to get theirs in.  The scent in the air is honeysuckle, one of Jon and Beth's favorites.  He sees her laid out in her casket with her hands crossed on her chest.  He freezes.  He can't take another step.  He can't get closer to her, not just yet.  The tears that are burning his bloodshot eyes make it hard for him to see.  His cousin hands him a tissue and puts his arm around him.  "Take your time, Jon."

"Is she ready?" he chokes out the words, suffering from loss of breath.  

"She's beautiful."

Jon and Stephanie picked out the outfit that she is being buried in.  They selected her most favorite Kenneth Cole little black dress.  Once they had the dress picked out, they brought in the other kids and had them select what jewelry she was to be buried in.  Each boy and little Brianna all picked out a piece.  Jesse and Jacob each picked a bracelet.  Romeo picked out her necklace and the twins each grabbed the biggest and the brightest rings that Beth had in her many jewelry boxes.  There was just Stephanie that needed to pick out a piece.  She selected the watch that she bought for Beth for Mother's Day, the year prior.  On it she had inscribed, "You are not my mother, you are my mom.  Love Rose"

"How did you do her hair?" Jon is unable to see from the distance that he's at.  "her make up?

"We did exactly what you wanted us to do."

"Were you able to cover her injuries?  I don't want the kids to get scared."

"Jon, she's beautiful.  Go take a look."  his cousin pats his back.  "I'll be in the hallway if you need me."

His cousin exits the parlor, leaving Jon alone with Beth.  The plane ride from California just about killed him, but he took solace in knowing that he was taking her home, where she belonged.   After a few minutes, he worked his way up closer to her, stopping every couple of steps.  He'd stare at her and a couple of times, he thought that she was breathing.  In his heart, he knows that is not the case.  When he gathers the strength to go all of the way, he does.  

At the side of her casket, he looks down on her and can't help but cry.  The best thing that ever happened to him is laying there in front of him, lifeless.  And in 2 days, he'll never be able to see her again. The pain is almost unbearable.

He reaches in and holds her had, leans over and kisses her.  "You are absolutely beautiful, even in death, Mrs. Bongiovi.  I miss you more I could ever put into words.  The kids are confused, the older ones mourn you."  he leans over, kissing her again.  "You still take my breath away, in every way."  The back of his hand caresses her cheek, still not grasping the fact that she's cold to his touch.  He misses her warmth, the sound of her voice, her smile, her laughter and the way that she touched him, the way that she loved him.   "I'm so sorry, so so sorry for filing for divorce.  You have to understand why I did it.  We were out of control and the only ones that we were hurting were the ones that we love the most, each other and our kids.  Jon Spencer walks around the house looking for you.  Brianna cries because she misses you.  Babe, we all miss you."  Jon drops to his knees, resting his head on the edge of her casket, looking at every detail of her face, her neck, her arms and her hands.  "We were going to have a baby, why didn't you tell me?"

He stays with her for a little while, having taken care of the business at hand.  When his headache from crying got to be too much, he knew he had to leave her and he knew that he didn't want to.

Back home at Jon and Beth's house in Rumson, Jon tries to take charge of his family, even being as scattered brain as he's been lately.  The kids have just finished dinner, so he and Pete start to clean up.  "Pete, you're done for the day, please go do something to relax."

"I'm okay Jon, I feel better when I'm busy." she states, "If I sit idle, I think and then I miss her.  I miss her alot."

"We all do, but you have to take care of you.  You know that that is what Beth would want."

Pete doesn't want to debate it.  She does what she's told and retires to her room.  She needs her time to break down, as she has been trying very hard to be their for the family.

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"It's hard to mend a broken heart when you're spending all of your time chasing after kids.  Why don't you sit down and let Pete do her job, Jon?"  Dorothea snaps at him, irritated that he's paying her no mind as she drops off Romeo at the house.  She had taken him into town to get his hair cut and new shoes for Beth's service.

"They're my kids, Dorothea.  Not Pete's" he barks back, "Is Romy all set?" 

"He's upstairs with Jesse and Jake.  Can I help you with anything?" she asks him, leaning on the door jamb into the family room, with an arrogant look on her face.  "Do you want me to pick out an outfit for you to bury your beloved in?"

Jon stops what he's doing, picking up toys off the floor, and takes a seat in Beth's favorite chair.  He rests his head in his hands and gives a loud sigh, "What I want is for you to leave.  Thank you for taking Romeo to get his hair cut."

"I'm here to help Jon."

"That may be the case Dorothea, but I don't want anyone's help."  Another deep breath as he stands, "Please just leave."

Dorothea can see that he's on the verge of exploding so she doesn't try too hard to press her luck.  "Fine, but if you need anything Jon" she starts to walk toward him, "just call me and I'll do whatever I can."

"Thanks." he mumbles, looking at the one person that he hated most in his life, out of the ones that were still alive.  He wants to go off on her, tell her how bad she's hurt him over the years, how much she has hurt his family over the years - but now isn't the time.  He knows that one day he'll get his chance to tell her all of this and if he doesn't that's fine too.  He's learned one thing over he last few days - life is meant to be lived.  People are meant to be happy and there is little time for drama.  "I'll be fine."

"I'll see you Thursday." she states as she walks away.

He's caught off guard by that statement, "What, Thursday?  What for?"

"Her service." she says nonchalantly, like it's her right to be at the funeral service of his deceased wife.

"Do not go Dorothea." he starts to tell her but with each syllable that fell out of his mouth, he got a little louder.  "If you show up there, I swear to God I'll have you arrested."

"For what?  Paying my respects?" she blurts back at him, her hands on her hips.

Jon walks to her, standing in her face, "You'll be hauled out in handcuffs in front of your children, is that what you want to do?" he tells her as a matter of fact, walking away,  leaving her in the family room.  "I'll throw your fucking ass in jail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon hired an event planner to plan an intimate event, celebrating Beth's life with those that didn't attend her memorial in California.  It is being held at the Vineyard, exactly where she would want it to be.  The event planner pulled out all stops and orchestrated the event of all events.  Jon needed to get himself ready as well as the kids and be to South Jersey by 7pm.  He scrambled, but was able to wrangle the kids, get them all dressed and get there just as it was to start.

Greeted by everyone as he walked in, Brianna on his hip - he gave the fake smile, shook hands, kissed cheeks and was just happy to get through it.  Anyone there knows that this is the hardest part of Jon's life and they can see that he's close to a break down.

David walks up to him, hugs him tight.  Once they broke the embrace Dave asks, "Do you want me to take her?"

"No. She's my strength.  Is Richie here?"

"Yeah, he's over with your mom and dad."  Dave points to the right of him, Jon sees them all at a table.

"Excuse me Dave.  I need to go talk to Richie."

Jon excuses himself, with Brianna still hanging on to her daddy.  When he reaches Richie, he gives him a nod, letting Richie know that he needed to talk to him in private.  They walk to the back of the tent away from one another.  "Hey gorgeous."  Richie says leaning over and kissing Brianna's cheek.  "what's up?

"Do you still have that envelope from the morgue?"  Jon remembered that he had it, but didn't pay it too much mind, it was often the last thing on his mind.  Richie reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out the folded envelope and hands it to Jon.  "Thank you."

"Are you going to open that now?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to take Brianna?" Richie wants to do all that he can to help.  He's thinking that the contents of the envelope should be opened in private.  "I can take her to Pete or your mom."

Jon nods in agreement, "Can you take her to my ma.  I'll just be a few minutes."

"Will do.  Please yell for me if you need me."

Jon hands off Brianna and with the envelope in hand, he makes his way out of the tent and toward Beth's favorite spot on the vineyard.  But along the way, he's stopped when he sees Stephanie sitting on the split rail fence, crying.  "Rose, are you okay?  What are you doing out here?"

"Dad, please don't call me that anymore."  she says between sobs and wiping her tears. "That's what Beth used to call me."

"I know."

"I think I'm going to take off.  I need to get out of here."  her cries go deeper, "I can't do this.  I need to go be with Beth."

"Steph..."  Jon puts his arm around his daughter, holding her tight.  

"She's all alone dad.  She shouldn't be alone."  The young woman says, almost frantic.  "She needs someone with her."  her anxiety mounts and Jon can tell that she does need to do this, to maybe help her with closure.  

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"  His lips land on her head, "I'll go with you right now, Stephanie"  Jon's eyes are starting to leak again and he hurts for his daughter.  

"I'm good dad.  I'll be home later.  I just need to go be with her, I need to talk to her."

"Do you want me to have someone drive you?"

Stephanie rests her head on her dad's shoulder, "I'll drive myself.  Do you mind if I leave?"

"Not at all."

Stephanie hugs and kisses her dad goodbye, leaving him alone sitting on the split rail fence, where he remains for a few minutes - remembering the relationship that Beth and Stephanie had.  Even when it was rocky, the two of them were tight.

With the envelope, he continues his short walk to the big oak tree that Beth loved to sit under and read.  He finds the right spot and sits down.  When he musters up the courage and opens the envelope the first thing that he finds is Beth wedding and engagement ring.  He now knows that she had it on when she died.  That warmed his heart, even if it was only a few degrees.  He has her rings in the palm of his hand, looking at them, with more tears in his eyes.  He remembers the day that he bought them.  When he seen them at the jewelers, they screamed Beth to him.  She loved them as much as he did.  

Looking in the envelope again, he pulls put a couple of papers and looks at them. The first was a letter from Beth.

My Dearest Jon,

If you're reading this, I am gone.  I have caused you and our family too much pain and can't let it go on any farther.  I don't know what else to do.  I came to California to try to talk to Brian and his parents, begging that they leave me, leave all of us alone.  When I got here, I learned that Brian's parents have died - leaving only Brian to fuck with us.  

I contacted him and asked him to meet me at the vineyard to talk, and he did.  When he showed up, I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that I needed to do something.  I needed to stop him.

All of these years I put on a happy face and tried to be a good wife to you.  However, my past keeps interfering with our happiness, my past keeps ruining anything that we tried to build - every dream was shadowed by what they might do.  When he met me at the vineyard, he made certain that I knew that he wasn't going to leave me alone, leave us alone to live our life.  His madness is out of control and I'm scared for you and the kids.  

I know that you know that I love you.  I adore you.  After meeting you, you were the reason for every breath that I took, every smile that I cracked and every tear that I cried.  You are the one that was meant for me, I'm just not sure if I was the one for you.  No one deserves the drama that I brought or the drama caused by my mere existence.  

You are an amazing man and you gave me an amazing life, with 5 beautiful children.  You allowed me into your world, your life, your children's life and for that I am everything more than grateful.  You showed me that even though I was broken, I was lovable.  Even though I was vulnerable, I could be strong.  You are the love of my life.  You are the man of my dreams and my very best friend.  Your children accepted me and loved me, even after all of the nonsense started.  You being with me brought them so much heartbreak and turmoil.  All of you are better off without me.  I can't go on living in fear of what might happen.  They have always been able to get to us, no matter how hard we tried to keep them away.  They have always breached our security, they managed to get in our circle and do things that are unimaginable to most.  I can't live in fear of something happening to another child, or something happening to you.  I can't.

Brian told me that he can't let me go, he won't let me go.  He can't let me be happy without him, so you know what that means.  He said that even if he's tormenting me, in his mind - he's still in my life.  He'd continue to hurt me, he'd continue to target me and my family.  Jon, I can't live with that and I can't allow him the pleasure of hurting us anymore.  He seems to have spiraled after losing his parents, which tells me that he' s going to be relentless and he's going to stop at nothing.  He's here in California and his mental breakdown is obvious.  There is only one way to stop him.  The police can't help us, he covers his tracks too well.  Bodyguards can't stop him, he's too clever - breaching our circle in any way that he can.  He's unstoppable.  But I've figured out a way. 

Please tell the kids that I love them and when they're old enough and have questions, please answer them honestly, no matter how painful that it might be.  I want them to know the truth and I need them to know what lengths I went to to keep them safe.  I see no other option.  With Dalton and Melissa locked away forever and Brian's parents dead, he was the only one left that could hurt us, the only one that could get to us.  He has to be stopped.

My decision I'm sure is not a popular one, and I know there are many questions that will never get answered, but know this....  I did it for you, I did it for the kids and I did it for me.  Hopefully now, once the healing has started all of you can have a normal life.  Not one that's step by step always looking over your shoulders.  That is no way for children to grow up and no way for you to live. 

I know that you'll come to visit me and when you do, please don't ever wonder if I am at peace, because I will be.  I will have my babies in my arms, while I watch you raise the twins.  I will be there, at your side, always. 

We promised each other that we would never say goodbye, but this is goodbye Jon.  Never forget that I love you, with every cell of my being.  You are my every thought and my everlasting love.  

Beth Ann

The tears rolled and smeared the ink of the letter.  The lump in his throat is the biggest that it's ever been.  He can't believe what he's just read.  His eyes skim the letter again, hoping that he read it wrong.  The speculation of a suicide made him crazy, but to read that she intended to die tore him up.  "I would have kept us safe.  Why didn't you let me take care of you?"  he cries to the letter, "It's my job to protect you, why did you do this?"  He's starting to get angry, his heart bouncing around the five stages of grief.  He leans his head back on the trunk of the tree and tries to calm himself down.  He can hear the buzz of the crowd that gathered to celebrate Beth's life, but he can't find the energy to get up and join them.  

When he's ready he looks at the additional papers that he's holding in his hand.  One is the signature page of their divorce agreement and the other is an addendum to her last will and testament.